I know everyone who is anyone and a huge fan of Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet, loved watching the movie titanic (1997) anxiety and depression feels like one is on the titanic, just waiting for it to collide with an iceberg and sink – or even like sailing on a ship at full speed ahead to one’s next destination, with naught a care in the world, because one feels safe travelling on a great ship, not thinking that there might be danger before one reaches their destination; but pretty soon the ship spring a leak, which is followed by a bunch of other leaks, and you try feverishly to send out numerous SOS, but it most times goes in vain, and the gradually it sinks till it meets the ocean floor, meaning most of us tend to give up the fight and the struggles, and decide for ourselves that we are going to die, so we might as well just face it and get it over.
There are those of us that think and feel like we are this great surfer, waiting for that great wave to just build up and surf right on in or it just breaks our surf and we drown or we fight the currant and waves or whatever obstacles there is to meet the shores of our lives, to safety.
This is how my depression feels like to me, making me feel great and then totally drowning in an ocean of depression the next, trying to fight against the currant and waves and even navigate the boat is seen like an impossible task, even as a surfer been hit by a huge wave and seeing my surf board broken into two and looking around no one is there to rescue me from the massive waves – which the water rushes through my fingers, as I try to fight to come up for air, and down back again, as the the rising waters threatens to swallow me whole.
Life with a mental illness is something like that, it’s like trying to hold on and fight for one’s dear life when the odds are greatly and enormously stack against you. It is extremely painful and hard at times, which makes me think the absolute worst things in life which is more worse than suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), that one is a nightmare.
How does one, especially me, save myself from drowning in an ocean of depression, from going down with the sinking ship or been swallowed up whole by a wave, through writing, meditation and talk therapy with my psychologist (who will be my former psychologist) and with you my dear readers and followers and those who sends me their emails.
Mental illness is a taboo subject here in Trinidad and Tobago, the entire Caribbean, as a whole. My family and friends, even thou they are not aware that I am suffering and struggling with any mental illness, just the negative way which they talk about the mental health conditions/illnesses, which they see been romanticize on television and in the movies, (there’s nothing romantic about mental illness) and/or hear of other persons locally, regionally and internationally suffering from it and saying that all mad people should be institutionalized. They don’t believe that there are more mentally ill persons on the outside (living in their community, country and the world, at large, than there are in the mental health institutions). There negative thinking and actions towards mental illness makes me fearful of telling them that I have been diagnosed and is enduring many days, weeks, months and years of these agonizing and aggravating pains, which at times has caused me to contemplate suicidal thoughts and ways of ending my life that happens countless times of the say and more weekly than daily, with no one there to save me. Those suicidal thoughts grasp hold of me more times without even realizing it and lingers for a period of time and makes feel the need to act on it.
Knowing the negative ways and utter ignorance and stigma towards mental illness which they portrait, I am not finding any supportive system with members of my family, or friends and even those in my community to show that they care or can help me – that’s why I basically turn to my psychologist, the internet (Facebook support groups – for persons with depression, bipolar, anxiety and other mental illness) and even you my dear, loving and supportive followers and readers.
Even thou at times my depression can become overwhelming and make me weary, and the struggle extremely difficult, and also with my countless misfortunes, that it’s merely impossible to survive. Thanks to you all, making me that there is light at the end of the darkest tunnel and I have so much more to live for and I am still a work kin progress, for the battle is far from over and I have to get off the sinking ship, and also fight against the currants, waves and whatever obstacles are there which tries to drown me in that ocean of depression. My story is not yet over, it has only just begun!
I want to thank you all and say too, that you all story also needs to be told and it is has also just begun. I will keep moving forward and hopefully one day, everything will be wonderful.